I write her love letters to get her back

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In 2019, I met my ideal partner. We fell in love and moved in together months later in 2020, just during the pandemic. The chemistry we had was beyond anything I had known before. She is 44 years old and I am 52.

When we discussed moving in together, she had a son who had just finished his final year of high school and would be going to college in the summer of 2020. When the pandemic, and after she and I moved in together, her son moved into our house instead.

The day he moved in, she and I had an argument, and I was freaking out that her son would hear this and it would negatively affect my relationship with him. She was crying in the shower after the fight, and I ran in there and told her to shut up because he could hear, then I ran frantically for the door. She immediately followed and the fight continued. I was very angry and wrote a very mean text, telling her that it was over and that I never wanted to see her again. I wasn’t planning on sending her someday, but to my amazement hours later I said it and she moved.

I know I really hurt her, and since that day in May 2020, I’ve only spoken to her twice. She wrote me a letter telling me that we will always belong to each other and that she just moved to the streets and was hoping we would cross paths. We never did. I tried to contact her and she told me that she was afraid that if we saw each other we would be back in each other’s arms and she was too hard to do.

She now lives with a new boyfriend in California. They just met this year and she moved in with him because a mutual friend told her I had moved in with someone else. I contacted her and she told me that although what we had was extremely special and could not be replaced, it would not be a good idea for us to see each other. She told me to remember that I broke up with her over a year ago and that she had heard very little from me, so I shouldn’t be surprised that she was with someone . I want her to come back so I started writing love letters to her every day, and I wonder if I’ll even have a chance.

– Write love letters


Despite the name of this column, I cannot approve of the writing of the love letter at this time. This woman has been clear about where your relationship is (it’s over) and how she feels now that she’s moved on. Stop writing – or write yourself notes instead.

Your best bet – for her and for yourself – is to move on, too. Yes, what you both had was special … and by that I mean intense. Seems like the relationship involved passion and impulse, and in the end, all of those same great feelings led to her demise.

Maybe the move in was too much. Maybe you didn’t spend enough time with her son to figure out how to handle their relationship.

It’s hard to guess all of this because I have no idea why this fight became so important, and why it ended with you ordering him out of the house. It sounds hurtful, beyond “frantic” and deeply unhealthy. All I know is it wasn’t good for any of you, and I can’t believe it was an isolated fear of being overheard incident.

Instead of trying to get it back, think about what you learned about yourself during this relationship. Do your best to find a therapist who can walk you through a few lessons here. Exciting doesn’t always mean good. Rhythm is important, even during a pandemic. Conflict is uncomfortable, but there is a healthy way to deal with it. You need some advice. Loving and missing her doesn’t mean questioning what happened here.

Take your ex’s attention away – because she’s, in fact, your ex. Prepare to have a better experience with whatever comes next.

– Meredith

Readers? Move on instead of writing love letters? What questions do you have for the author of the letter about what happened here?


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