I write love letters to get her back


When we discussed moving in together, she had a son who had just finished his senior year of high school and would be going to college in the summer of 2020. When the pandemic hit, and after that she and I moved in together , her son moved into our house instead.

The day he moved in she and I had a fight and I was panicking her son would hear it and it would negatively affect my relationship with him. She was crying in the shower after the fight, and I ran in there and told her to shut up because he could hear, then I ran frantically for the door. She immediately followed and the fight continued. I was very angry and wrote a very mean text, telling her that it was over and that I never wanted to see her again. I wasn’t planning on sending her someday, but to my surprise, hours later I said it and she moved.

Since May 2020, I have only spoken to him twice. She wrote me a letter telling me that we will always belong to each other and that she just moved to the streets and was hoping we would cross paths. We never did. .

She now lives with a new boyfriend in California. I contacted her and she told me that although what we had was extremely special and could not be replaced, it would not be a good idea for us to see each other. She told me to remember that I broke up with her over a year ago and that she had heard very little from me so I shouldn’t be surprised that she was with someone . I want her to come back so I started writing love letters to her every day, and I wonder if I’ll even have a chance.


A. Despite the name of this column, I cannot approve of the writing of the love letter at this time. This woman has been clear about where your relationship is (it’s over) and how she feels now that she’s moved on. Stop writing or write yourself notes instead.

Your best bet – for her and for yourself – is to move on, too. Yes, what you both had was special … and by that I mean intense. Seems like the relationship involved passion and impulse, and in the end all of those same great feelings led to her demise.

Maybe the move in was too much. Maybe you didn’t spend enough time with her son to figure out how to handle their relationship.

It’s hard to guess all of this because I have no idea why this fight became so important, and why it ended with you ordering him out of the house. It sounds hurtful, beyond “frantic” and deeply unhealthy. All I know is it wasn’t good for any of you, and I can’t believe it was an isolated fear of being overheard incident.

Instead of trying to get it back, think about what you learned about yourself during this relationship. Do your best to find a therapist who can walk you through a few lessons here. Exciting doesn’t always mean good. Rhythm is important, even during a pandemic. Conflict is uncomfortable, but there is a healthy way to deal with it. You need some advice. Loving and missing her does not replace questioning what happened here.

Take your ex’s attention away – because she’s, in fact, your ex. Prepare to have a better experience with whatever comes next.



It is not normal to break so drastically during a fight. Either you sabotaged this relationship for some reason or there was more going on behind this fight.


Stop writing love letters and start seeing a therapist so you don’t repeat those mistakes with the next “perfect match”.


Leave her alone. She moved and she left. The end.


Send your own questions about relationships and dating to [email protected]. Watch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast on loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.

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