Limerick’s first election roundup! Wowza you really suck at writing Limericks | Lost Coast Outpost

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District Attorney

Humboldt’s next AD should be Kamada.
If you love integrity, you must
vote for Adrian,
then we will all win –
safety, fairness, the whole enchilada!

—Jennifer Sauvage

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Intelligent and hardworking for years,
Ms. Stacey stands out among her peers.
The heights of his temperament
For where the responsibility ends
Vote Eads for DA! And three cheers!

—Marian Barnes Hancock

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Once upon a time there was a McKin girl
The DA race she was in
You know she’s the best
Smarter and the rest
That’s why Mrs. Eads should win!

—Wes Keat

Auditor-Controller

I support Cheryl Dillingham
Who did the job and will do it again!
No more missteps on deadlines
Blame all but Paz
Maybe Humboldt will pay his bills again!

—Gary Noar

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For the listener, I vote for Cheryl
She got Dominguez on a barrel
At work Karen sucks
Cost Humboldt a lot of money
Cheryl Dillingham will end our peril

—Darin Prize

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Humboldt runs long rubber stamp
And Karen raised the bar like a champ
The best manager she is not
But she’s the most honest we got
And for that I am in his camp

—Allison Edrington

Fourth District Supervisor

Natalie Arroyo- Great! (Visor)

Natalie’s vision for the North Shore —
The Humboldt we all love the most!
Improve business and housing
environment and learning…
Vote Arroyo for Supervisor 4!

—Gail Popham

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Once upon a time there was this guy, Newman
Who you would think was a total shoe-in
Potholes and Wanderers
Needles and Oh no!
Eureka what are we doing?!

—Di Fiederer and Anthony Mantova

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There’s a nice man named Newman
He is an exceptional human
So we asked Mike to run
Although campaigning is no fun
All right, voters, give him a shoo-in!

He always shows love for his city
Having served on numerous committees
For the 4th it will be
supervisor for you
With him we will have serendipity

To save the county from misery
He will be watching these funds closely Measure Z
Vote Mike on June 7
No other better choice
Elect this gentleman of integrity

—Lora Canzoneri

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They say a supe’s job can be awful
The job does not pay a large huge sum
It’s hard to choose
Which to elect
Whether it’s Mike or the other 4th duo

—Ross Rowley

Arcata Town Hall

A candidate of high exultation
Deserve another Councilation
She worries about her city
And won’t let us down
Vote Stillman and put her in office

—Bob Felter

Superior Court Judge

Consider McLaughlin for the judge
Its position on ethics will not change
He will reign upright and just
But you criminals beware
Because Judge Ben won’t buy your fudge!

—Barry Klein

Clerk/Archivist/Registrar of Electors

Only Major League Baseball Gigantes
With their greatest outfielder gloves
Could capture more takes
Or vote in big batches
Than our own JP Cervantes

—Richard Engel and Mahayla Slackerelli

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Holy moly! Just a few hours after the Outpost announced that this would open the floor to election endorsement limericks, our inbox is flooded! Thank you all!

And you know what? We made a big, showy stand for metrical regularity in the previous post, saying we’d happily throw away any fake limerick that misses its marks, but at least in this first round, we’ll go ahead and grant clemency.

Because what? Because it turns out 90% of you couldn’t write a real limerick to save your own lives. It is truly shocking, astonishing and shameful.

Of the current crop, only Marian Barnes Hancock, Ross Rowley, and Engel and Slackerelli manage to pull off this simplest form of verse.

The fact that Rowley succeeds where so many others fail gives me a theory. One thing everyone knows about Ross: he’s a musician. So he knows, and I bet Barnes Hancock and Engel and/or Slackerelli also know, that a limerick, first of all, is eight bars of 6/8. You count all the syllables as if we were composing a cursed haiku here, when we should be swinging.

The basic metric elements of the first, second, and fifth lines of a limerick go like this:

DAH-duh-duh DAH-duh-duh DAH-duh

At the end of this line you get four beats of silence, which are important.

DAH-duh-duh DAH-duh-duh DAH-duh (rest rest rest rest)

To see? Twelve times, organized in four groups of three. This is the basis.

Now you also get one or two optional pickup notes, which musically move one or two of the rests from the previous bar. So these first, second and fifth lines could be:

uh | DAH-duh-duh DAH-duh-duh DAH-duh

or:

duh-duh | DAH-duh-duh DAH-duh-duh DAH-duh

If you can sing your first, second, and fifth lines to the tune of “My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean,” you’re doing just fine.

The third and fourth lines are half-lines paired with each other, and their rat-a-tat-tat quality is all key to the essentially comedic nature of the form. They go:

DAH-duh-duh DAH (rest rest)
DAH-duh-duh DAH (rest rest)

…and again, you can use the pickup notes if you want.

Let’s use what we know now to analyze the greatest limerick of all time, Robert Conquest’s reworking of The Seven Ages of Man:

First come vomiting and meowing;
Then very annoyed by your schooling;
So fuck; then fights;
Judging the rights of other guys;
Then seated in slippers; then drool.

How would we recite that?

FIRST there is PUKE-ing and MEW-ling (rest REST rest) then
VER-y pissed at your SCHOOL (rest REST rest) then
Fuck then fight, judging other guys rights (rest) then
SIT-ting in SLIP-pers then DROOL-ing (rest REST rest rest)

There! It’s a limerick!

Now everyone is stepping forward and writing great limericks — or, okay, even terrible ones — in support of your favorite candidate. And when you do, send them to [email protected], and put the words “Election Limerick” in the subject line! Let’s keep rolling!

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